Thursday, February 17, 2011

Crackerology

The Trenton
This is the finest and most elegant cracker. This cracker is part of the Protestant gentry. He attended Country Day and is a member of the Yacht Club, Oglethorpe Club, Cotillion Club and various other civic organizations.

The Captain's Wafer
This cracker lives on Wilmington/Whitemarsh Island and owns a boat and/or jet skis. He may have attended BC and he may even be a member of the Parade Committee.

The Saltine
The saltiest of the crackers, The Saltine is older and has lived on Tybee Island most of his life. He can be found six nights a week on a stool at Doc's Bar and occasionally at The Quarter. He knows that he is a cracker and just doesn't give a shit.

The Ritz
With a tanned, buttery sheen, the Ritz lives in Effingham County, but claims Savannah as his hometown. He too owns a boat and/or jet skis.

The Club Cracker
Any cracker with gelled hair that hangs out at Deja Groove or any other nightclub.

The Wheat Thin
A female cracker, The Wheat Thin has taken good care of herself, and because of her good looks, was able to "marry up" to a higher social status.

The Melba Toast
With a very crunchy texture, The Melba Toast is the hippie of the cracker world. He attends Bonaroo each year and owns hundreds of bootleg Phish and WP concert cassette tapes.

The Lance Cracker
Look up "cracker" in the dictionary and you will find two pictures, one of a pack of Lance vending machine crackers, and the other of a Calvary graduate. Lance crackers come in many varieties, as do Calvary grads, but they are all crackers.

3 comments:

Joe Shit The Rag Doll said...

You might be a Lance Cracker if you name your second born "Southern."

HANK said...

Best post of the year. Even more original than Ryan's rant.

Donnie said...

Best post in the history of BMBS? I think so.