Thursday, June 30, 2005

Pretenders to the Throne

While tailgating at Friday's Braves game, a certain unnamed BC alumnus gathered with his fraternity brothers right across from our spot. This guy, who must be at least 24 by now, plopped down in his camping chair with his balls peeping out and instructed his buddy to play some "classic rock" on the car's stereo.

He was by far the oldest person there, but that did not seem to matter to him. There were some hot girls there who probably just saw their first legal rated R movie in the theaters. Anyways, the crowd really started to grow and through effortless eavesdropping I heard snippets of conversation, including:

"So, you excited about college?...Yeah, that's cool, that's cool."

So the fraternity was rushing these young kids, who had just graduated from various metro-Atlanta schools, such as Parkview and Lassiter. As you can imagine, every single "dude" there had on boat shoes/flip-flops, khaki shorts above the knee, and tucked in polo shirts (3 pink ones). I have a problem with this.

You KNOW that these cultureless metro-Atlanta runts were making decisions in Publix 2 years ago about whether to go with the flexible or "sport" style of LA Looks hair gel. They were excited about the new Linkin Park CD. They brought their slut girlfriend with them when they went to get their eyebrow or ear pierced. They were drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade at Lake Lanier while wearing flower-patterned board shorts. They said "Sweet!" when their parents got them those 24s and the subwoofer.

Then on College Day they visited UGA's campus and had a wake up call. That next day, Mom was happy to take them to JC Penny and get them respectable clothes that her and Daddy were too passive to make them wear as they were growing up. Thanks, baby boomer parents, for your complete lack of backbone.

So now you can find these traditionless brats in "General's" drinking out of mason jars and singing "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" at the top of their lungs. If someone could please give me back my BC sheltered mind so that I can once again not have any knowledge of other kids in my generation.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The People Have Spoken...

...and have named Ronald Reagan the Greatest American of all time.

Right on, America.

A Booming Voice

On Friday, my friend Chris Cobb and I attended a Braves game at The Ted. Inside the stadium we swipe our Bravo Club cards which give us various useless one-day coupons. One of them is for a free poster at the Bravo Club Headquarters, so we make the 15 minute walk. I ask the guy behind the table for my free poster and he hands it to me.

Then he says something like, "Congratulations! It's your lucky day!" and started to hand me a sheet of paper. At this point I'm avoiding eye contact because I think he's trying to sell me something and I will have to turn him down. But he tells me that I have been picked to say "Play Ball!" before the game. Of course, I start asking idiot questions like: "Are you being serious?" "On the field?" "In front of everybody?" Yes, Ryan, yes.

So a hot little intern leads us down to the close seats explaining the order of things and I am surprisingly not too nervous. I'm more happy and excited than anything. Once they start introducing the players one-by-one, I go onto the field, stand in the middle of the On-Deck Circle, and look at the camera far away underneath the 9-story hi-def board.

"And pitching for the Atlanta Braves: Kyle Davies!" ::applause::
"Now, introducing Bravo Club member Ryan Smith to lead us off for tonight's game!"

The upper-half of my body appears as a 9-story giant on the screen. I imagine people could see my blackheads quite well. I knew I couldn't half-ass this task that was appointed to me, so in my most cheesy "Let's Get Ready to Rumble!" voice, I drew out a "LET'S plaaaAAYY BAAAALLLLL!" In my excitement during the applause, I smiled and stuck out my tongue. I don't know why. One of the ladies in charge of things pointed at me and said, "Now, that's how you do it!" The hot intern told me it was one of the best she had ever heard.

A group of people my age sitting next to me were looking at me towards the start of the game and eventually the guy next to me asked, "Did you say, 'Play Ball?'" I love being a celebrity.

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Bacci Ball Remembered

While anticipating the glorious July 3rd holiday on Tybee Island (second only to St. Patrick's Day,) I have been doing a little research. As you can see, this painting is a rendition of the first annual BGAA (Big Guy Athletic Association) July 3rd World Bacci Ball Championship circa 1668.
The one showing his effeminate carry through after the toss is Charlie Russo's ancestor... Giavoni Russo. Immediately left overseeing play (and contemplating the next rule change) is O'Donavan Ryan, ancestor of the Tybee Ryans. The man in black who seems to be really pissed off at a suspected cheater is none other than Padraig Powers, the great-great-great-great-great-great- grandfather to our present day Chatham County Tax Commissioner, Danny Powers.
The man with hands held behind one's back is Diarmuid Kevin Sheehan, ancestor of Kevin Sheehan- the hairy. The prissy man in the gold balloon pants is the first mayor of Tybee, Liam Burke, whose descendant Jimmy Burke will also hold the office of mayor.
The identity of the women sitting in the chair is speculative. Most of the experts have concluded that she is the sole ancestor of the women known as "the- one- tooth- wonders" that plague Doc's Bar to this day.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Imminent Domination

In case you haven't heard, on Thursday the Supreme Court handed down a horrific 5-4 decision in Kelo v. City of New London that officially allows the government to seize private property for private economic development, all in the name of "public use".

The Fifth Amendment clearly states that private property "shall not be taken for public use, without just compensation." And so it is no controversy that the government could, for example, take your home in Vernonburg in exchange for its market value and build part of the Truman Parkway in its place, or build a military base. While this is unfortunate, it is lawful and a necessary evil. But that's not what is at issue here.

In Kelo, the court gave city governments the green light to seize property for third party interests (in this case, it was a shopping mall that was proposed), all in the name of economic "revitalization." In other words, if Kroger wants to build a store on your land, even if you don't want to sell, too bad. Chatham County officials could force your out home and sell it to Kroger. Why? Because the Kroger would bring in more tax dollars than you as a homeowner does.

Thursday was a big win for big government. Ever thirsty for more and more tax revenue (which is now part of the "public benefit"), city and county officials will stop at nothing to expand the tax base. Governments may take private property and give it to anyone they like, and all they have to do is say that this serves some public purpose.

Justice Clarence Thomas, a staunch defender of liberty, property rights, and the Constitution in general (and whose birthplace is 10 minutes from where I am typing this very post), wrote the most eloquent dissent:
Today's decision is simply the latest in a string of our cases construing the Public Use Clause to be a virtual nullity, without the slightest nod to its original meaning. In my view, the Public Use Clause, originally understood, is a meaningful limit on the government's eminent domain power. Our cases have strayed from the Clause's original meaning, and I would reconsider them.
Right on Clarence.

The very foundation of civilization is private property, and with this decision, no one's property is safe. Russell Kirk, the father of modern conservatism, wrote in the 1950s that
Freedom and property are closely linked. Separate property from private possession, and Leviathan becomes master of all. Upon the foundation of private property, great civilizations are built. The more widespread is the possession of private property, the more stable and productive is a commonwealth.
The last traces of the founder's intentions to limit the government's eminent domain power have been erased. I know it sounds bad, but I really can't wait for a few these left-wingers on the bench to hurry up and die so Bush can finally appoint some constructionists to go in and reverse the disasterous course this and previous courts have embarked upon.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Another Conversation With Trey Aimar

Scene: Tubby's Thursday Sunset. Steven Doan plays for a softball team that Trey Aimar is also a member of.

Doan: Why weren't you at the softball game the other night?

Trey: You didn't hear?

Doan: No.

Trey: I had hernia surgery, Bubba. Sixteen inches. Here to here. (uses forefingers to demonstrate on Doan the length of his scar)

Monday, June 20, 2005

A New Chapter

Bought me a new pair of Sperrys the other day, using the $50 I won on the McBride-Tyson fight last week (me and Will had the same bet, only I really did "need a new pair of shoes"). They were on sale at Dillard's. This time, I didn't go with the popular "Authentic Original" model but instead invested in a pair of the more durable "Mako" model, shown below in the same "Amaretto" tone that I chose. These are the same color as my old ones, but will probably last a few years longer.

Trust me, these new Makos are really hot right now. When I wear them, you can hear them scream "hey, I'm 22, I've graduated from the original UGA frat boy boat shoe, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things in life (like earning minimum wage at a Savannah law firm)."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Thank You, Kevin McBride

I don't care if Mike Tyson threw the fight or if you'll never be a legitimate heavyweight contender. You still won me $50. ERIN GO BRAGH!

Friday, June 10, 2005

Communism Sucks

Right now I am in Vienna, Austria which is a really cool cíty. We decided to go out last night for "happy hour" and "ladies night". This so-called "happy hour" lasted for a few hours, but consisted of drinks for 4 euros. Now to me that is no deal because 4 euros is about 6 dollars. And also the "ladies night", which consisted of free drinks for the ladies over a 30 minute period, sucked as well because they took their sweet ass time getting the drinks. Katie ordered a drink at the beginning of the "ladies night" and did not get it until the end of the 30 minutes. And it was funny because the entire bar cleared out after the "ladies night". It seemed like this city formerly under soviet control needs Bourbon street power hour. You have to give the people what they want and that is dollar liqour drinks.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Navy's 2005 Captains

Naval Academy's football players have elected their two captains for the 2005 season. Former Benedictine quarterback Lamar Owens (Savannah, GA) and Jeremy Chase (Norfolk, VA) will co-serve this position. Lamar will also become Navy's starting quarterback for 2005. This is an amazing accomplishment. Especially since this is the best Navy football team in 99 years. He has already scored at touchdown against Army, maybe Lamar will produce one against Notre Dame. Good job Owens.

Bathroom Politics

Posted inside the bathroom at the MPC building is a notice that reads:
In order to avoid clogging the commode, please flush waste and toilet paper seperately. This is necessitated by the low water level imposed by state regulations to conserve water.

It seems to me that two flushes from a water-conserving toilet would use more water than one flush from a standard toilet. However, I have no data to support my claim. Let me get something down on paper and I will reply back with my results.

Socialist Insecurity

It's that time of year again, when many of us stop riding the gravy train (at least temporary) and start working. Many of us, having graduated, are making that big step into the real world. But when you go to pick up that first paycheck on Friday, you might notice something that should piss you off.

First, the government will tax your income, at a rate determined by how successful and hard-working you are. That in itself is morally reprehensible (and unconstitutional), but it is for another post.

THEN, the government will take an additional 12.6% out of your paycheck and put it in the Social Security "Trust" Fund.

I remember when I started working at Piggly Wiggly in June of 1999; after I looked at my first paycheck I went home and asked Mama: "Do I HAVE to pay this 12.6? I don't trust the government with it."

"Yes, honey, you do. You don't have a choice. In theory, the government will give it back to you when you get old and retire."

"But I don't trust them to do it. Why can't I just take the 12.6 myself and put it into a cookie jar? Certainly I would do a better job taking care of my own money than the government would."

"Sorry, it just doesn't work that way."

This goes back to the whole "If you're paying, I'll have filet mignon" problem. No one knows how better to save and invest their own money than themselves, and no one knows how better to spend and waste money that somebody else. Government officials have already dipped their dirty hands into the trust fund numerous times to fund specialized pork barrel projects, and they will continue to do so as long as we keep feeding this corrupt system.

For years, the Democrats have worked hard (you have to give them credit) on creating an entitlement society that no one can question. According to them, if you support privatizing social security, you must be some sort of extreme right-wing Nazi who doesn't care about old people.

Here at this blog, we will continue to support W. and his efforts to create the ownership society. If you want to keep giving your 13% to the government, that's fine, JUST DON'T FORCE ME TO DO IT TOO. In short, not only should social security be privatized, but it should be abolished in the long run.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Get Rich Quick Scheme #346

Have you noticed how loosely the word "tycoon" is thrown around these days? What exactly is a tycoon anyways? And how does one become a tycoon?

Historically, "tycoon" has simply been an arbitrary title given to your run-of-the-mill billionaire. Not anymore. My plan is to establish an international tycoon registry board. The board would define criteria for attaining tycoon status and bestow the title only upon deserving individuals.

The way I see it, you would only need to get one high-profile client. Then, the rest would follow in order to "keep up with the Jones's."

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

More Bad News

According to Savannahnow, BC will stay in AAA until 2008. Such a decision calls into question what the true purpose of BC is. As I have said numerous times before, BC needs to prioritize its goals. Here is the proper ranking:

1. Football (specifically, fielding an undefeated team that plays in AAAAA and doesn't have to recruit). This is like the Alpha and the Omega of everything. If everyone, in theory, is paying $7,000+ a year, we should be able to have the best football program in the coastal empire, hands down. And we ought to treat the freshmen football managers pretty well, too.

2. Military.

3. Basketball.

4. Academics.

5. Baseball.

Staying in AAA certainly helps goals 3 and 5, but it kills 1, and you have to remember that 1 pays for 3 and 5. You can buy all the computers you want and post all of the fancy ads in Savannah Magazine you want, but that doesn't change the fact that the biggest advertisement for the school is Friday nights at Memorial Stadium during the Fall.

Please post your thoughts.

Making the Grade

A new report, disclosing and comparing both Bush and Kerry's grades at Yale, that will certainly shock all of Park Hall and the rest of the Starbucks crowd.

Monday, June 06, 2005

In the Liberal Tradition

I am typing this post right now because I am completely worthless. I have no job and class doesn't start until Thursday. If I weren't typing this, I'd be driving on HWY 80 right now after a fun filled day of playing Bacci Ball on the beach. But as some of you can guess, I am sitting in Athens right now because one of my brothers in Savannah (Hint; he refers to himself as "Big Daddy") drove me nuts over the weekend.

Earlier today I was reading Southern Appeal, and in doing so I followed some links until I stumbled on a peculiar website, The Acton Institute. For those of you who give a damn, Lord Acton was a 19th century Historian. For one thing, he was a Catholic Lord in England, very unusual. He was considered one of the most learned people of his time. Most notably Acton was invited to participate in the first Vatican Council. He also represented a precinct of Ireland known as Carlow in Parliament as a member of Gladstone's Liberal Party (whose causes included liberties for Catholics in Ireland and for the ultimate independence of Ireland, which wasn't realized until years after their deaths.)

I bring this guy up because this website shows that the meaning of Acton's "Liberalism" is much different from what "Liberalism" means today (I remember Jane Dolan mentioned something about this phenomena back in her government class. ) Acton implies that Liberalism entails supporting a decentralized confederate government (as opposed to a federal government,) religious freedom, economic freedom (capitalism/free trade.) And if you look at the definition of Liberty; "The condition of being free from restriction or control", Acton's meaning of "Liberalism" makes sense. John Locke, Thomas Jefferson, and St. Thomas Aquinas are few of the many scholars that support this view of "Liberalism". All these people also stressed the importance of the Judea Christian influence on our basis of government. This all sounds a lot like what truly "conservative" Americans believe in today.

Ironically, "Liberalism" today signifies unlimited centralized government, socialist welfare, fear of religion, restricted economies, Hillary Clinton's "It takes a village" crap. Crazy huh?

I say contemporary "conservatives" are attempting to conserve the liberties being lost to contemporary "liberals."

And another thing, I'm confused about what the deal is with relativist, button wearing professors at colleges today. How can these people totally ignore what Acton, Locke, Jefferson, and St. Thomas Aquinas' theories have produced?

All Hail Lord Acton!