Thursday, January 19, 2012

The St. Patrick's Day Longevity Project of 2012

Every year on St. Patrick's Day you can count on a number of things to occur without fail. It's a huge component of what makes the experience such an event. Each writer and reader of BMBS has their own unique routine and their own traditional checklist. For most of us that includes: Chief claiming he's actually, no really, seriously, going to retire next year; trying to measure the benefit of one last drink before getting in the parade versus the inevitable pressure on your bladder; etc.

One shared element we can all set our watch to is my infamous premature evacuation. You know the drill: you see me at Chippewa holding down a spot tighter than SSL's wallet, drinking some universally despised beer in the hopes no one will ask me for one. This goes on until that magic time of around 5:00 where I disappear, never to be seen for the rest of the day.

Why do I always do this?
-Convenience. I value convenience on all things higher than I probably should. The logistics of transportation on St. Patrick's Day make my brain hurt. When I have a clean set up of arrival and departure like I've had, I weigh it higher than any potential late night fun. When I start getting the dry mouth and the sweepies, having a dedicated ride home is hard to turn down. I'm aware of how pathetic that is, and the good news is that it's easy to change.

-I can't hang physically. The running joke in high school and college was Sleepy Ryan, but at this point biology won't even bother to toss me a shot of temporary pity energy anymore. So even if I cancel my usual 5:00 pick up, I would just be a black hole of fun given my current abilities.

I will never have Slic Ric's superhuman stamina, but I'd like to at least prolong the shenanigans into the night hours. If ever the readers of this blog could use their knowledge and experience for good, it is now.

I can't expect you to offer a solution without the details, so here you go:
-From about 6:00am to 10:00 I drink screwdrivers. I think last year it was something like 4 or 5 smaller sized cups, then 2 big cups after. I walk the whole parade, then start drinking from my beer stash around 12. By the time 5:00 rolls around, I've had about 5 beers.

What should I do, panel of experts? Drink water? Take caffeine pills? 5 Hour Energy (never had it)?

Can you mold me into a man?


Patrick said...

Finally, a non-gay post that is easy to understand and makes sense. Almost makes up for the Rudolph thing. Almost.

Ryan said...

You, of all people, should be sharing your knowledge. No one has ever seen you drunk before.

Michael said...

Ryan, I suffer from similar ailments as you each year. The key to me making it for the laung haul is to stay away from the hard liquor. This is much easier said than done, and I never seem to heed my own advice.

Joe said...

Most importantly: you need to train.

Since I left college and the perpetual ability to go late into the night, I have developed a vague training regent.

In the weeks leading up, I up the alcohol intake. I will imbibe on 2 weeknights a week and then Fridays and Saturdays. This gets the mind and body used to consuming more booze than normal. While you're drinking more, work on staying up later.

I know a lot are in favor of going out the night before the big day, but I do my best to avoid it. I stay in, eat a non offensive meal, and get some shut eye.

The day of: keep a good pace, try and engage in activities (sitting still lets you focus on how tired you are). Also, 5 hour Energies really work wonders.

Ryan said...

Michael, you are really making me rethink my anti-beer mentality. I usually assume it's beer that makes me sleepy, not liquor. I must ponder this.

Joe, that is a really weird and dedicated strategy, and therefore I will adopt it this year.


Michael said...

I second the five hour energies. They don't give you the shakes like red bull or a bunch of coffee. And I will be having a couple of liquor drinks before the parade to get me through. It's the mid afternoon that always gets me.

Snuffy said...

The key is to eat something every chance you get. The years that I crashed were the years that I never ate anything after breakfast. Time flies on that day, and it is very easy to forget to eat.

HANK said...

I have little advice from personal experience. My energy level sky rockets the more alcohol I consume. I've never had the sweepies, except in Durham, N.C. one fateful fall afternoon.

If I had any input, I would stay away from the heavy beers until later in the evening. Also, screw drivers are like mini meals with lots of sugar and carbs... you're bound to have a crash that afternoon if you drink a half gallon of orange juice.

I advise to eat more meat than carbohydrates. Protein will give you a longer period of performance without the inevitable low. Carbs gives you the quicker rush, which results in crash affect a couple of hours later.

A perfect snack to keep on hand throughout the day is beef jerky. The high sodium content will also help keep you from dehydrating. This is important to prevent because dehydration makes you feel sleepy.

Ryan said...

Some really great advice here. Thanks. We'll see how it goes.

Snuffy said...

Yeah, Ryan. Keep a bundle of Slim Jims in your pocket...