One shared element we can all set our watch to is my infamous premature evacuation. You know the drill: you see me at Chippewa holding down a spot tighter than SSL's wallet, drinking some universally despised beer in the hopes no one will ask me for one. This goes on until that magic time of around 5:00 where I disappear, never to be seen for the rest of the day.
Why do I always do this?
-Convenience. I value convenience on all things higher than I probably should. The logistics of transportation on St. Patrick's Day make my brain hurt. When I have a clean set up of arrival and departure like I've had, I weigh it higher than any potential late night fun. When I start getting the dry mouth and the sweepies, having a dedicated ride home is hard to turn down. I'm aware of how pathetic that is, and the good news is that it's easy to change.
-I can't hang physically. The running joke in high school and college was Sleepy Ryan, but at this point biology won't even bother to toss me a shot of temporary pity energy anymore. So even if I cancel my usual 5:00 pick up, I would just be a black hole of fun given my current abilities.
I will never have Slic Ric's superhuman stamina, but I'd like to at least prolong the shenanigans into the night hours. If ever the readers of this blog could use their knowledge and experience for good, it is now.
I can't expect you to offer a solution without the details, so here you go:
-From about 6:00am to 10:00 I drink screwdrivers. I think last year it was something like 4 or 5 smaller sized cups, then 2 big cups after. I walk the whole parade, then start drinking from my beer stash around 12. By the time 5:00 rolls around, I've had about 5 beers.
What should I do, panel of experts? Drink water? Take caffeine pills? 5 Hour Energy (never had it)?
Can you mold me into a man?