Friday, August 29, 2008


I was luckily able to catch most of the major speeches from the DNC this week in Denver, Colorado. I must say I now feel far more educated, enlightened, and hope-filled in the wake of hearing some of the most narcissistic, self-aggrandizing greatest orators this country has ever had.

The first thing I quickly became aware of is that things are bad right now. Really bad. We've got single working moms with no health care whose minimum-wage jobs just got outsourced living under bridges next to veterans with blown-off arms who can't afford food for their uninsured kids who will never be able to afford to go to college. And all of these people were doing great until, of course, George W. Bush came into office. It wasn't until W entered the White House and decided to make all of these people poor that our national nightmare of the last 8 years began.

Now I've never met or seen any of these downtrodden folks, but this is probably because I live in The Landings. It's probably because I whiz past Butterbean Beach and Thunderbolt Bridge too fast to notice all of these hopeless souls living under there that have never had it so bad. But don't be thrown off: these people are out there. Somewhere. Trust me. And one thing's for sure: something needs to be done. Now more than ever, we need a man with a plan. As a young, educated white person, I feel guilty and I really, really want somebody to step up and fix things. Poverty, the environment, the economy. All of these things have gotten worse during the last 8 years, I guess, so it's clearly time for action and shared responsibility.

The next thing I realized is that Barack Obama, a first term senator from Illinois, is the man for such a job. He can and will single-handedly fix all of the country's ills if we would just allow him. Obama is a superb leader because he is both bold and humble. Bold because he is willing stand up to those miserly business owners and taxpayers and tell them it's time to step up and pay more than just a meager 40% of what you take home. Humble because he only needs to evangelize in front of 80,000 jubilant supporters to hear him refer to himself in the first-person plural, proclaiming that "We are the change we've been waiting for."

He also has a proven track record on leadership filled with real-world accomplishments, like being a United States Senator in 2005, being a United States Senator in 2006, and being a United States Senator in 2007. And finally, he's black. I mean c'mon, even if you're not Democrat, wouldn't it just be cool if we had a black president? Kind of like Tiger Woods!

In closing, I was in tears last night, much like the hundreds of thousands who turned out in Denver. I was gripped by sheer elation as I listened to one man's personal hopes, dreams, and ambitions for acquiring power. And now more than ever I am filled with hope that government can and will solve all of society's problems, even ones that may not exist in the first place.


Joe said...


Ryan said...

And you didn't even break character.

Eversmart said...

You guys fail to see the silver lining here. If a Black Man can become president, then there's no longer any excuses.

The race card can never be played, EVER again!

I'm willing to sacrifice my wallet for a few years in order to gain such a moral victory.

Michael said...

I also felt change after watching some of Obama's speech. It turned out I just had to take a dump.

HANK said...

Everyone should buy a shotgun if Obama is elected.

Of course, do not use the weapon to attack Obama or his supporters. The weapon is actually for protection.

There have already been two known assisnation attempts aimed at Obama. The attempts are not likely to cease.

In the even of Obama's assisnation, grab your brand new shotgun to hold off looters and violent protestors. His death will ignite a powder keg, much like MLK's murder.

Everyone living at 335B Tattnall should take a long vacation at Tybee Island.

HANK said...

I know, I just murdered the word Assassination... twice.

Snuffy said...

In related news, BC won last night!

Ryan said...

In related news to related news, that's the first I've heard of our victory since BC Gottum isn't updated anymore.