Things I Hate, Volume I: Places that Only Serve Pepsi Products

It happens every time you decide to hit up Taco Bell or Arby's. You're happy because you've been thinking about that Baja Chalupa all morning or you can't wait to devour a Chicken Bacon & Swiss combo. You place your order, pay the cashier, then, as you walk away from the register with your drink cup, you look to your left and it hits you: you should have just gotten water because this place only serves the worst kind of beverage possible: Pepsi products.

And for whatever reason, fountain Pepsi products taste even worse than bottled ones. Combos at Taco Bell normally include those huge drink cups, which at first makes you think you're getting a good deal, until you realize you're only going to be sipping on 24 ounces of the pure carbonated nothingness that is Diet Pepsi.

Now before I begin a typical Ryan or Snuffy-style rant about some little uninteresting nit-picky pet peeve concerning food/entertainment that really has no impact on anyone's well being in the grand scheme of things, let me make clear that Diet Dr. Pepper is entirely exempt from this criticism. I'm not even really sure if Dr. Pepper is considered an actual Pepsi product or if it just happens to conveniently exist alongside the others, but it gets a pass here because it's damn good and made in Texas. This dawned on Chick-fil-A, a stalwart Coke partner and ally, when it added Diet Dr. Pepper to its lineup a few years ago.

Back to my original point, it is clear that Pepsi is symbolic of everything that is wrong with the world. It is the Sega Genesis of soft drinks. Not only is it Yankee, but it's always trying to desperately one-up and out-advertise Coke by mocking Coke's conservatism. It is forced to rely on "extreme" and "hip" marketing tactics to compensate for and cover up what is obviously a far inferior product. It pitches itself as "New Age" and the "New Generation's" drink of choice. Most recently it has even tried to cash in on Obamamania with these new "Hope" billboards. Thatta way to further alienate clear-thinking Americans like me. Good job.

And Pepsi's contamination of society is more widespread than you think. Not only does it infect otherwise respectable establishments like Sbarro, KFC, and Pizza Hut, but typically any restaurant west of the Mississippi or north of Virginia will only serve Pepsi. Next time you're in Vegas or anywhere else out West you will always get the "We don't have Coke, Pepsi's okay right?" question from the server. It's just as bad, if not worse, than discovering the absence of sweet tea anywhere south of Jacksonville. Water obviously ends up being the only real choice in these circumstances.

Finally, back to the Obama thing, it's clear Pepsi's deficiencies parallel the new administration's. It demonstrates how just because something is new does not make it good or right. Flashy advertising, glitzy marketing tools, savvy product placement, and polished delivery techniques do not make what you're ultimately trying to shove down our throats (socialism) taste any better.