Monday, December 12, 2011

"North Dakota," Part II: The Maps, The Pictures, The People, The Lies

Right now, there are undoubtedly a thousand questions racing through your minds as to the validity of my theory that North Dakota does not exist. There is no coherent way to address all of your concerns in a typical BMBS format, so I will do so by answering a series of Frequently Asked Questions.

"Chris. I've seen maps of the United States. All of them include the Dakotas. Explain yourself."

The easiest way to defend against this argument is to attack the institution of Mapping itself. Most satellites orbit the Earth at an altitude of between 199 mi and 249 mi. You have never, ever seen the Earth from that altitude. Therefore, you have no firsthand evidence that the United States of America is not trapezoidal in shape. Hell, for all you know, it is shaped like a winking emoticon ;). The government is the gatekeeper of extra terrestrial imaging, and they have a compelling interest to maintain their ruse. They have successfully condiditioned you to accept their word as common knowledge, and you're just sitting there, licking your Kool-Aid moustache.

"Chris, what about all of the pictures that I've seen of these states?"

They were taken elsewhere. That's really all I have for this one. Name one distinguishing feature of either state? Oh, I'm glad you brought that up.

"Mt. Rushmore?"

By 1926, the government had a problem. People were asking questions.

"Why haven't I ever met anyone outside of Congress who is from the Dakotas?"
"Why have I never seen a single photograph of the Dakotas?"
"Why is there never any news, ever, out of the Dakotas?"

The people needed answers, and President Coolidge began to feel the heat. That's when he was approached by Montana Governor John E. Erickson. Erickson offered Coolidge a tract of land on which to build a national memorial that they would claim was in the Dakotas. The memorial would finally provide a distinguishing feature that would satisfy American curiosity as to the existence of the Dakotas.

In exchange, Erickson proposed that he would resign as Governor of Montana, and requested that Coolidge use his campaign apparatus to get his political ally Frank Henry Coone elected to the post. Once that happened, Coone would appoint Erickson to the U.S. Senate. Coolidge agreed in principle to the plan, but needed to see the project at least halfway completed before he would enact his support for Coone. The Memorial was projected to take 14 years, so, in 1933, as a civilian, Former President Coolidge visited the site. Satisfied with the progress, he stayed true to his word.

Erickson became a U.S. Senator. Coone became the Governor of Montana. Coolidge cemented his legacy among the fraternity of elitists as the man who saved The Great Lie. And the American people would not question the existence of the Dakotas again for 72 years (you're welcome).

As for "your experience" at Mt. Rushmore: the surrounding 20 miles are simply part of an elaborate staging area.

"But, Chris, your maternal grandparents and all of your ancestors are from the Dakotas. You are literally of Dakota stock."

Says who? Says the government (in the form of my grandfather). Both my grandmother and grandfather are from "the Dakotas." Immediately upon graduating from what I was told was "North Dakota State," (shocking revelation...more to come in Part 3) my grandfather joined the United States Army. He made a career of it, and served honorably for decades. He ultimately attained the rank of Lieutenant Colonel, and was based out of the Pentagon. He was probably in intelligence, and was more than likely in on The Great Lie.

In addition to having never visited my supposed "homeland," none of my relatives who are allegedly from the Dakotas have ever discussed life in those states. When I was a kid we went on trips every summer to visit this branch of the family. However, mysteriously, the entire family had moved to Kansas City at some undetermined point in time.

That's right.

"Oh, we all lived in North- and South Dakota, but we all, and I would like to emphasize, ALL - as in every one of us, moved to Kansas City. Mysteriously. For no reason."

That is how that conversation would have gone, but it never happened, because they have never discussed the Dakotas. Not one of these people supposedly born and raised in these states ever mentions the Dakotas...ever. No childhood stories. No quirky anecdotes. No, "Hey! Ha, remember the time in Blank, ND when that thing happened?" HOW is this possible?!

How could this never have just naturally been brought up as a topic of conversation??? The short answer: they hate lying to their family, and a little part of their soul dies when they stir the Government Red Cherry Kool-Aid. Because the Dakotas don't exist.

Tomorrow, Part III: Where My Eagles At?: Where, and Who, the Eagles Will Actually Be Playing

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