In America today, death lurks around every corner. While compiling a comprehensive list would take years and millions of dollars, I’ve narrowed them down to the absolute worst scourges we face in this country today. Here they are, The Top Five Worst Threats to the American Way of Life:
5. This Rain – Seriously. Customer and co-worker alike have never seen continued rain like this. It’s cloudy and everything is wet. Boo.
4. Bird Attacks – Released this week, a study conducted at the University of Florida found that Mockingbirds can identify individual people after encountering them as few as two times. They were found to attack those individuals who repeatedly threatened their nest, while ignoring bystanders. You have been targeted for Termination.
3. Sexting – Sending a nude photo without the consent of the subject in the photo. $2,500 fine or a year in prison for the perpetrator, monthlong embarrassment for the victim. No one wins in this cruel game.
2. Swine Flu – H1N1 virus. 6,552 confirmed (or probable) cases nationwide, 27 in Georgia alone. No vaccine, no known cure. Combine the films Outbreak, I Am Legend, and 28 Days Later. That’s what we’re facing here.
1. Kris Allen – According to everyone I work with, it’s an unconscionable travesty that Adam Lambert didn’t win American Idol. Even Simon thought so. Clay Aiken, however, agreed with America and declared in his infinite wisdom and negligible talent that Kris was the rightful winner. Wait a minute… an election where the result didn’t please everybody? This is still America, right?
Stay sharp, America. We’ll get through this. Godspeed.
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