Joe's Nomination: Bill Brasky

As the only serious contender who could mount a challenge against Jack, I nominate William Robert Brasky, best damn salesman in the office!

"Bill Brasky once used a live rattle snake as a condom!"
"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."
"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."
"I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half — until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"
"He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road."
"He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! ...And he hated irony!"
"The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky... except for the part about planting apple trees... and not raping men."
"He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."
"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
"He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF and Smith & Wesson."
"They say Gene Roddenberry got the idea for Star Trek by listening to Brasky talk in his sleep."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives...except Fleegle."
"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."
"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."
"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."
"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."
"He breastfeeds John Madden!"
"He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident."
"He sleeps eight hours a night! Well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."
"His first name is Bill!"
"All the Yes album covers are Brasky family photos."