Our Generation

A while back, I made a post about losers waiting in line for a Playstation 3, which, by the way, gives me satisfaction now that the PS3 is doing so poorly. So now we've got these people:

They are waiting for the iPhone, which comes out today at 6:00 p.m. Let's take a look at the folks closest to us in the picture. According to the source of this photo, these three run a website together in Santa Monica, California (OOhhh, okay). On the left we have an extremely androgynous individual, but I'll refer to it as a male, since his name is Conrad Quilty-Harper (no joke). His shiny Mac laptop sits on his lap, and is decorated with several surely badass stickers that probably proclaim which political party he sides with in a completely non-confrontational tone. You could also catch him last week waiting in line for Sicko.

Next we have the creepy old guy who thinks he's in touch with the younger crowd (that's literal, as well). Of course, his name is Tyler Crowley. I mean, look at the trendy cabby hat on his knee. I have no doubt that in his right ear is the newest Bluetooth device, placed just above the small, dangly earing. The dead giveaway is the shoes - they say, "Hey, I may have gray hair, and I may be required to wear nice collared shirts and dress pants when I go into work at the website office, but I play by my own rules when it comes to shoes. Is it a crime to be comfortable and look cool at the same time?"

And then comes our favorite. Oh, yes, this is Laura Monjoy. Do we think she went to UC Berkeley? What do we think she majored in? Look at that yuppie scum. She cares more about updating her blog (for her thousands of readers) about her epic wait than looking anywhere close to presentable. What is there to say? "So, I'm totally getting my picture taken right now. OMG, they better publish it as a JPEG, because GIF is so 2002. I feel bad for them if they use Adobe to upload it. I mean, the latest Adobe isn't exactly the greatest thing in the world. Meh, I could have written a better program in my sleep. Okay guyz and grrlz, at least I'm wearing my new capri pants and flops. It definitely shows that I'm laid back and just like to have a good time, you know?"

And then there's this kid:

This one is just so ripe that I'm going to ask you guys to write what you think his backstory is in the comments. Who is he? How the hell can he even afford a $500 iPhone? Who will he use it to have mass communication with? At what point did we encourage the youth of America to strive for goddamn knick knacks and gadgets above normal things like playing sports or getting to know the opposite sex?

Epilogue: Don't get me wrong - I would certainly take an iPhone if it were given to me, but I hate this instant gratification mindset. What would YOU wait in line for?

Pope Benedict......Regulatin

The Pope has approved wider use of the Latin mass. He has also elected to start wearing sweet hats.

Only 263 more days...

Hey bud, it's just a Saturday.

I'm sure you all received this email today, but I wanted to post it anyway.

HELP WANTED!!!

COME FALL IN LINE!
COME MEET COWBOY!
COME HAVE FUN AT:

BC’s 1st ANNUAL, ADULTS ONLY, SUMMER HOUSE CLEANING & FIX-UP FEST !

WHAT? WE WILL BE PAINTING DOORS – CLEANING WINDOWS – WACKING WEEDS – CUTTING GRASS – PICKING UP TRASH – SCRUBBING WHAT NEEDS IT - REPAIRING WHAT WE CAN – AND BEAUTIFYING OUR CAMPUS

WHERE? BC - IN FRONT

WHEN? SATURDAY, JULY 14, 2007 – START EARLY MORNING, BREAK FOR LUNCH, (PROVIDED) & LEAVE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO – (OR WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH FUN).i.e. COME WHEN YOU CAN & LEAVE WHEN YOU MUST. GIVE AN HOUR OR GIVE A DAY.

WHO? PARENTS, ALUMS, & ADULT FRIENDS OF BC

COSTUME? VERY CASUAL (& bring extra tools etc if you think that would help)

WHAT ELSE? RSVP (if you can) & for info contact: Rick Shay: rickbetty@aol.com or easpc@comcast.net or 691-5728 or 398-0330

I was planning on going for a few hours in the morning. Anyone interested?

Liberal Mindset

I have been an avid reader of Neal Boortz's website for years now. He likes to pick on one of the bedwetting idiots working for the AJC, Jay Bookman. In this article, Bookman explains the resons Ireland has become the economic powerhouse of the European Union. He only tells half of the story, though. I'll let Boortz explain:

In his column Bookman cites two items for Ireland's tremendous advances; anti-poverty programs and spending on education. He writes that: ", Irish leaders made a national commitment to eventually eliminate persistent poverty from their country, adopting what they called a National Anti-Poverty Strategy." He adds: They began to invest heavily in their schools, increasing spending on primary grades by more than 50 percent between 1995 and 2002."

OK ... so we have super spending on schools and anti-poverty programs. Does he stop there? Well, pretty much. That's it. He does say "... money wasn't all they invested. Irish leaders also poured political attention and emphasis into education, with remarkable results." Oh great, more political intervention in education. That always works. Then we get the kicker. The resurrection of Ireland "... happened because of active, vigorous leadership that embraced government as a necessary partner of private enterprise in making people's lives better."
So .. there you go! Spoken like a true liberal! Ireland is kicking butt over there in the European Union and it's all because they spent more money on government schools, got government more involved in those schools, and created a great government/free enterprise partnership that made people's lives better. There you have it. Ireland is hot because of government. Again ... spoken like a true liberal.

The truth? Well, partially. There was higher spending, particularly on higher education. And there was a new standard of cooperation between government and business. What Bookman doesn't tell you, though, is that there was a substantial reduction in the tax load on Irish citizens and businesses coupled with a serious reduction in government regulation of the free market economy. Bookman didn't seem to mention anything about the lower taxes and the deregulation of business and the Irish labor market. That tax level, by the way, is substantially lower than the tax level in the U.S. And why not mention these two things? Because they're conservative principles, that's why. Conservatives continually say that lower taxes and less government bureaucracy will lead to a faster growing economy. Ireland proves it, but Bookman ignored it. Bookman wanted to promote the cause of spending more on our schools and increasing the control of our economy ... without telling the whole truth. Not surprising.

BC PAC

Last weekend Pat and I were up to the usual: drinking beer and talking about how to save the world. We decided that the best way to bring about that outcome would be to join with all those who shared our goals and organize. The only problem we faced was one of logistics. Should we start our own "Swiftboat" or moveon.org -type internet campaigns? The problem was vexing.

So, I did what I normally do when I need to make an important decision; I thought to myself, "What would Erk do?" The answer was glaringly obvious: start a B.C. Political Action Committee (akin to Erk's PAC out of Snooky's).

Some ideas for stances/demands of leaders:

1. Instead of pampering terrorists at that 3 star hotel in Gitmo, they should be forced into hard labor. No, not breaking rocks or working as cheap labor for government projects. Even worse. Chasing and retrieving Coach Cannon's golf balls each weekend. Gonna plot some crazy crap? No big deal bud, just a Saturday. Use that in recruiting videos. Martyrdom never looked so pathetic.

2. Put "Commander-in-..." in front of Chief's rank.

3. Inspect the House of Representatives, RFI style. Impeach those with improper gig lines and ignorant rhetorical lines.

4. a) Set up a series of bushes on the U.N. plaza. b) Hide cartons of milk around the building. c) "Bush" the leaders of countries in OPEC. d)"Pond" the dangerous ones (in the East River). e) "Milk" the weak countries - just so they know who's boss (lookin' at you, Latvia).

5. Officially cede the city of Atlanta to Canada. It can be their problem.

6. See to it that Coach Curley is appointed to Press Secretary. That way, he can eliminate any grey areas.

Let's all work together for a better tomorrow.

They May Have Won the Title, But...

Funniest Five Seconds Ever

Sorry, Charlie. We're Closed.

As Dude Aaron, Pat and I discovered Friday night, Sorry Charlie's has closed its doors. The shutdown is due to the structure being declared unsafe. Contrary to both popular belief and my own hypothesis, the shut-down has nothing to do with the Ellis Square Project.

During preliminary planning, engineers inspected the properties surrounding Ellis Square. It was then that they determined the floor joists in that building needed to be replaced and they were, with temporary ones.

The real tragedy here is this completely messes up our weekly tour of bars. Sorry Charlie's was a great first stop, which led to many fun nights. Saturday night, without our normal starting line, we wandered about aimlessly. So aimlessly that we ended up in the new Malones for two and a half minutes before we snapped out of it, came to our senses, and went to Kevin Barry's for Guinness.

Please fix the floors, they provide such a good launch into any night of boozing.

I read this story on SavannahNow.com.

Patriot Act Has Other Applications

British authorities broke up an international pedophile ring yesterday, arresting 200 suspects and rescuing 10 children. From a website titled "Kids the Light of Our Lives", the perverts, no doubt Andy Dick enthusiasts, streamed live video of children being sexually abused. Here is what I knew would be included in the article when I clicked on it:

"Authorities said they used surveillance tactics normally used against terrorism suspects and drug traffickers to infiltrate the pedophile ring at its highest level."

This proves an interesting point in regards to the USA PATRIOT Act of 2001: it is not important exclusively in the fight against terrorism.

Of the 38 cases reported by the government as using provisions of the act, 18 are completely unrelated to terrorism. The Patriot Act gives law enforcement the ability to keep up with drug and human trafickers who use technology in the execution of their international crimes.

The Department of Justice appointed an independent inspector-general, James Sensenbrenner, to look into possible abuses of the Patriot Act. He found zero reportable abuses. Zero.

USA PATRIOT Act - 38, ACLU - 0.


*Andy Dick could not be reached for comment. Thank God.

Read Their Lips: No New Wealth Creation

The new Congress is planning to raise income tax rates as part of next year's budget. House and Ways chairman Charlie Rangel has even publicly said he'll work to raise the top bracket rate to somewhere around 50% (it was 40% under Clinton and is currently 35% under Bush). Club for Growth made a mockery of this proposal the other day in the form a "letter" from Rangel to Taxpayers:

Dear American Taxpayers,

I know that you have all been hard at work, but I need some more tax money to pay for all the great government programs the new Congress is planning on initiating.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Isn’t the federal government big enough? Didn’t Congress grow the government by unprecedented levels over the past several years? But I am writing to reassure you that this Congress will grow the government better than in years past. Taxpayers often think they know the best way to spend their own money, but the truth is your senators and representatives can usually think of a better way. For example, you might want to save your money for your children’s college years, but wouldn’t it be better if we put that money toward peanut storage in Georgia instead?

As Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, I am proud to tell you that the Committee has recently released a plan to raise the highest income tax rate 4.3 percentage points to 39.3% as part of a plan to reform the Alternative Minimum Tax. Think of all the new, wonderful government programs we can fund with that money. And still, there’s more! When Congress lets the Bush tax cuts expire, the top income tax rate will soar to 44%—even more than it was under Bill Clinton! (Oh boy, it sure is fun to be in control again!)

In conclusion, I am looking forward to receiving your additional tax dollars and to growing government even more. If you have any new ideas for raising taxes, I am always interested in hearing about them. You can reach me at (202) 225-4365.

Sincerely,

Charlie Rangel

Hopefully Bush will be nothing like his father this late in the game and will actually use the veto pen (Bush Sr., as many of you may recall, caved in and it cost him reelection). To be safe we still should be on the lookout for cheap one-way plane tickets to Australia.

Vox Populi: Gems of the Week

Great stuff this week. Enjoy!

Dishonorable Mention:
"Someone needs to get rid of the mean mockingbirds in Savannah that repeatedly attack cats and squirrels and also bombarded my behind when I bent over to plant annuals in my yard today."
- Birds are disgusting vermin.

Dishonorable Mention:
"I see where whistleblowers are getting half a million for turning in employers. I work for my dad and want to turn him in because he doesn't pay me enough and he overworks me. Who do I call to get paid?"
- Lowlife.

Dishonorable Mention:
"Don't leave kittens at dangerous intersections. Please call the Humane Society. I've rescued two."
- At my old apartment in Statesboro, we had this black and white stray cat that would always come around. I named him Derek Jeter. Derek Jeter loved Chinese food. I think Derek Jeter was a cannibal.

Dishonorable Mention:
"I picked up the New York Times bestseller 'Beach Road' by James Patterson at Publix. It is pure filth. I asked the store manager to please remove this filth from the store counters."
- Good job wasting the manager’s time. I’m sure he had nothing better to do at that moment than listen to your asinine complaint about a book no one else is ever going to pick up in that store.

Dishonorable Mention:
"Watching the Republican debate is like taking a sleeping pill. I know you won't print this in your Republican newspaper."
- I’m sure you felt this way because the candidates in the debate discussed boring things like facts.

Second Runner-up:
"A group of 96 men and their wives visited Savannah recently. They arrived from 19 states to see one another for the first time in 45 years. They had secured reservations for their group at The Lady and Sons restaurant. They weren't seated at the same time and were taken in groups of 10 to 15. They were extremely disappointed. Two tears for Paula's hospitality."
- It is impossible to seat a party that size all together. Furthermore, you chose to take your group to one of the smallest and most crowded places in the City. You should have just gone to Carey Hilliard’s or Johnny Harris. Both have big dining rooms and the food is better. Sorry, Paula, it’s true.

First Runner-up:
"I don't believe a $2.2 million gold dome is going to improve the quality of life. You could use that for a $1 million animal shelter and a $1 million budget to provide adequate staffing."
- So instead of redoing the gold roof of City Hall, you’re suggesting we build a million dollar animal shelter and use the remaining million dollars to staff it? Sweetheart, you were MADE for a government office.

And your Gem of the Week:
"Thanks to the media for letting me check in on Paris Hilton and see how that little darling is doing. We don't get a two-bit tramp like that in jail everyday, so it is good to be able to keep up with her."
- Ok. We get it. You’re bashing Paris Hilton. What a fresh and exciting point of view. Seriously, give it a rest. I’m glad she’s back in jail and dropped her appeal not because I dislike her, I don’t; I’m glad because she’ll get a big dose of reality that will hopefully turn her into less of a robot. Plus, who uses the phrase “two-bit” anymore? Does any one know how much two bits is?

Happy Friday, folks!

Loose Lips Spoil Shows

I want to take this time apologize to one of our loyal readers: Last week, I spoiled the Dawson's Creek Finale. I was called on it, and through a misunderstanding, revealed even more details.

I did that in response to your initial comment in which I honestly thought you were kidding. The show has been over for years and is rarely seen on television anymore. I assumed that everyone who cared to find out what happened to our friends in Capeside had already seen or heard.

Alas, we live in a technological age where one can find any show on DVD. Had I known you were in the process of watching the episodes on DVD, I would never have deprived you same joy I felt when I watched those shows for the first time, not knowing what will happen next.

Chuck Klosterman outlined a similar dilemma in Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs. He detailed in his book how he became addicted to The Real World: San Francisco. He began watching it months after in initially aired, but then he found out that Judd and the Asian chick got married after the show. At first he was mad, but then he realized he was ahead of the game when it came to the roommates. He got to spend the rest of the season deconstructing every conversation Judd and the Asian chick had because he knew they ended up together. It gave him a feeling of power and control.

Anyway, I'm sorry for spoiling the ending of the Creek. That was never my intention.

Sincerely,
Joe

Rudy? Rudy? Rudy?

Except for his stance on abortion and health care, Rudy is at least saying some of the right things. But I guess they all are at this stage. Some quotes from a speech yesterday:

"You face bullies and tyrants and terrorists with strength, not weakness."

"A lot of what the Democrats are doing is like looking in the rearview mirror. They want to take the country back to where it was in the 1990s," he said.

I think Fred needs to get his ass in gear.

Someday My Princess Will Come

Restless anticipation, joyful trepidation, and palpable excitement overwhelm the soul as I read these enchanting words.

The Sopranos (BEWARE: SPOILER)

Did anyone else watch the finale last night?

I was furious. Granted, I've only really started watching the last couple season, but the ending still sucked. The big feud between the families was pretty much settled, Phil's dead, so who came through the door? Feds? Hitmen? Meadow? Who?!

The Sopranos has been on for what, eight years now? HBO owes us an answer. I would have never expected such a flaccid finale to such a good show. And think about this, the series finale of Dawson's Creek had just as many deaths as last night's finale of The Sopranos: one apiece.

That's pretty damn sorry. I guess we'll find out in the movie.

Vox Gems/SPEAKOUT Remix: Paris Hilton Edition

I decided to mix it up a little this week. As you all know, Paris got out of jail after only serving three days and will now serve 40 days under house arrest. Personally, I wanted her to stick it out for the full sentence in the slammer. Not just for the whole Caged Heat thing, but I also wanted her to prove she wasn't just this little princess and that she could handle something difficult in life. Anyway, there is a SPEAKOUT section on FoxNews and I’ve mixed some real winners from that with my normal Gems material. Enjoy!

Almost not worth mentioning:
"I miss 9 Chickweed Lane."
- Vox Populi contributors love the really unfunny, obscure comic strips.

Dishonorable Mention:
"What kind of justice is it to be confined to your mansion for 40 days? If I break the law, can I be confined to her mansion? This shows there is truly one set of laws for the rich and another set for those who are not! Our justice system is a joke!!!" — D.
- This is the sentiment a lot of people are expressing and it's total crap. No one would stay in jail if they thought they had the option to leave; I don't care how righteous you are. I've been in jail and it sucks. Hypocrites. All of you.

Gas-Price Double-Whammy:
"Shame on all the greedy oil companies over the holiday. Greedy, greedy, greedy."
"I read where most people think paying $2 to $3 a gallon for gas is acceptable. What is wrong with them? We should be paying 50 cents a gallon. The rest of the world owes us."
- Both of you: knock it off.

Dishonorable Mention:
"Michael Vick is the reason I have quit supporting the Atlanta Falcons. He needs to be kicked out of the sport along with any of his cronies who fight with dogs."
- Fight with dogs? That would be more acceptable than the trash ritual that is dog fighting. I’d love to see Mike Vick fight with a dog… and lose.

Longest Dishonorable Mention EVER:
"This is another fine example of another celebrity not having to pay their 'debt' to society. I'm surprised she did the 3 days and apparently that means 5 in Hollywood terms. Years ago something like this would hurt a celebrity. Today it will definitely enhance her career. I see a book deal coming and possibly a movie on this whole 'ordeal.' The sad thing about this is that there are kids out there who actually like her and may now think it's ok to get in trouble and will not have to pay a high price for it because she obviously didn't have to. Being confined to your home for 40 days wearing a tracking device (in gold too I'm sure) doesn't constitute doing hard time. I do hope Paris learns from this mistake and will behave herself. At least in public anyway." — D.
- D., shut up. You already made the Gems once, now, you’re on here again. Do you have to be so long winded? You could have just said, “She’s a role model for kids,” but no, you had to write us a thesis. Shut up.

First Runner-up:
"The parents of the Little League team who threw ice on our teenaged volunteer coach were an embarrassment to your team, our league and our community as a whole."
- Are you kidding me? That’s what happens when the team wins the big game, they throw ice water or Gatorade on the coach. Was your son the volunteer coach? If your son doesn’t like the “Gatorade Shower”, then he’s a loser who’s happy to continue being a loser.

And your Gem of the Week:
"Paris Hilton must have been playing the game Monopoly entertaining herself while doing her jail time. How lucky for her to draw the GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD." — Janet (Oakhurst, CA)
- I really hope I never meet this Janet from Oakhurst, CA. I’ll bet she laughs really hard at her own jokes.

Happy Friday, folks.

Bombs Away

Witness this piece of comedic gold from this weekend as the Braves' AA team manager has a meltdown of incredible proportions. There are two particular moves here that should be awarded for their originality and hilarity. Well worth your two minutes.



Also, I had a really long, detailed dream that TC died. It was intense.

Choices, Choices

So I jumped the gun when I endorsed this guy...



...because I had no idea we'd see a bid from this guy...



...but now, to avoid repeating the same mistake twice, I still want to wait 'til October when we'll hear something from this guy...



...before making a final decision on who to endorse, which will ultimately depend on who is the most like this guy...



Either way, the field just got a whole hell of a lot better, and that's all that matters for now.

Scum.

This ambulance chasing personal injury lawyer maybe be fighting a few cases from the other side in the very near future.

Friends, meet Andrew Speaker. Andrew has been identified by the media as the Outbreak monkey in this whole tuberculosis ordeal. I’m sure you’re all aware of how he flew on two transatlantic fights as well as several other flights around Europe after being told not to fly by physicians and the Center for Disease Control.

"Hey, I don't care what Dr. Whoever says, I've got this sweet trip to go on."

He’s recently apologized to everyone and stated that he never meant to harm anyone through his travels. That’s great because apologies cure tuberculosis. Not meaning to infect people with an awful, fatal disease will prevent them from getting it.

I hope nobody was infected with TB through this guy’s selfishness, but if so, I hope they sue this rat bastard. Oh, sweet irony. What a piece of garbage. This guy probably farts on elevators and cusses around kids. Selfish trash.

Also, this young man is an alumnus of a certain university in Athens, GA.
GooooOOOOO TUBERCULOSIS! INFECT ‘EM! COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!